It is foggy this morning. It is a Sunday so I will be one of the only walkers this early. I pass the Sunday morning gathering outside of the church pantry. Times are hard, many people gather to receive food staples. The skyscrapers of downtown disappear into misty clouds. The bay is calm and glassy. It is a peaceful scene but I am churning inside like an ocean storm.
I have been this way for a week and a half and have yet to understand why. I know what started this churn. I was offered a job. In my pre-pandemic, pre-cancer life, this particular job would have been a Godsend. I would have jumped at the opportunity, but now, like it or not everything has changed and instead of feeling happy, excited, or relieved I feel confused, scared even.
I wind my way through the neighborhood village of upscale stores and restaurants. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the glass windows of one of the stores, and I am struck by the beauty of my silhouette. I have curves in all the right places now…so why aren’t I happy?
I turn this over in my head. Beautiful post cancer body, new job offer, things seem to be headed in the right direction. Still I struggle with a creeping feeling of inadequacy. I feel like I am stagnating. I feel like I am letting someone down. I feel like I am not grateful enough. I feel like I am not doing enough to deserve this second chance…and then it hit me…I am suffering from survivor’s guilt.
With that realization it all made sense. Not feeling worthy of opportunities, not enjoying the things that I should, constantly feeling inadequate, feeling like I am letting someone down, often feeling like a fraud … the word for that experience is guilt. The truth is I feel deeply guilty that I survived cancer and so many others haven’t. I feel guilty that I didn’t have to go through chemotherapy. I feel guilty that my post-cancer body is worthy of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue, and I feel deeply unworthy of this outcome.
How can I deserve this when so many others have fought their battles and lost? I fought my battle and won…what makes me so special? Why me and not them? Not only did I win the battle but with a new beautiful body I even came out on top. I simply don’t feel I deserve this. Every time I am sad, I feel I am not grateful enough. Every time I take a break, I feel I’m not productive enough. Every decision becomes torture because I want so desperately to make the most of this second chance and make the “right” choices that will turn my life into something worthy. I need to work hard to earn the right to deserve to be alive…I need to do amazing things to be worthy of such a tremendous gift.
I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I owe a great debt to my fellow fighters. I owe the biggest debt of all to God. And lately, mired in confusion, feeling like I am going nowhere and making no forward progress, I feel I am letting them all down. This is a tremendous weight on my shoulders. Surviving cancer has left me with a huge responsibility.
I owe it to every person who lost their life to cancer to make my second chance something spectacular. This is a debt that I constantly feel I am falling short of. My life is not currently spectacular. I am treading water. I am simply surviving. The life full of meaning and purpose that would be worthy … I just can’t see it. How do I get from the chaos and confusion of my current situation to the stable, forward progress I crave?
I think of my fellow fighters every single day. As a doctor I take care of them in the hospital. Even worse, as a pulmonologist I diagnose them with lung cancer or lung metastasis. The images of my patients trapped in hospital beds stay with me. With each new day and each new experience I accuse myself, “I am not appreciating this enough” or “I am not grateful enough”. I often feel am not living up to my obligations to God and my fellow cancer fighters. At times these feelings of guilt and “not deserving this life” can be overwhelming and leave me feeling like a fraud.
But the truth is I am grateful and deserving of this new life. I am particularly grateful for identifying these feelings of guilt. Now that there is a name to the monster, I can work to understand it. I can work to move past it even. The churning sea inside me has settled some, a thunderstorm instead of a hurricane. This is all part of the process, I tell myself. Time to make some progress.
I would love to hear from you. Have you ever experienced survivor’s guilt after an illness or trauma? How did you manage your feelings?
