Dear cancer fighter,
I think about you often. I wonder if you are out there thinking about me. Life has been hard for you and I and it has been very unfair. While the world turns normally for everyone else, we are fighting for our lives. We are picking up broken pieces. We are struggling with finances, medical bills, and loss of income. We are fighting fatigue and compromised immune systems. We are mourning our losses and fighting for every little gain. Things that used to make sense, make sense no longer. Things that used to be easy are now herculean struggles. We have exchanged our once stable lives for shifting sands and like it or not our lives will never be the same.
I feel like I owe you so much. I have for the time being won my battle and maybe you are still fighting yours. I wonder if maybe your battle was harder. I wonder if while I am living you are dying (I write this sentence with tears running down my cheeks). I wonder why God decided I would be the one to fight back the monster and be declared “cancer free”. This is a battle that has injured me in ways I have not yet even discovered. I know that maybe things haven’t gone as well for you. As hard as life is for me right now, maybe you would give anything to be in my shoes. This hurts me. I wish we were standing here hand in hand staring at confusing but cancer free futures together. The doctor in me knows how much worse things could have been. I have seen how cancer often ends. I have been there. I have held your hand in your last moments. I am so sorry it was you. Sometimes I feel like it should have been me…how easily it could have been.
I want to be the extraordinary person that deserves this second chance. I want to be this person for you. I want to honor this gift from God. I want to honor your struggle…but then I wonder…
If the situation was reversed and it was you who had beat cancer and you who was feeling like you owed me something here’s what I would tell you.
I am so proud of you! You are strong! You are brave! You are a warrior! You deserve this second chance! God knows you’ve fought for it! Seeing your achievement brings me joy (when very few things do). We are on our own journeys and it is ok that they are different. Please don’t feel guilty. I want you to beat cancer. I want you to be happy. I want you to thrive. You don’t owe me anything. You have earned the right to live in any way you choose. If that means spending some days reading books or relaxing on the couch THAT’S OK! You aren’t failing me, yourself, or anyone else by resting and focusing on self care. That is a very important part of recovery. It’s ok if progress comes slowly. Healing takes time. I want you to eat the foods you love, have that extra scoop of ice cream, sleep in that extra hour, take that trip you’ve been dreaming of, wear that pretty dress that shows off your beautiful new implants, and most of all I want you to forgive yourself for being alive. Neither of us chose this for ourselves. We are not in control. But we are in this together. And I love you.
I want every other person who is fighting or has fought this disease to know they are not alone. I want to be your shoulder to lean on. I want to be your voice of reason when you are doubting yourself. I want to assure you that you deserve every wonderful thing that happens and have earned every positive outcome.
If I can say this to my fellow fighters and mean it so very deeply, why can’t I say it to myself? Why can’t I be the caregiver to myself that I am to everyone else. Why do I hold myself to such an impossibly difficult standard knowing that to do the same to someone else would be absurdly unfair, unreasonable, and bordering on cruel?
I am grateful I am finally able to start processing these feelings. It’s clear I have some work to do.
