The sun streams through my window. Beams of sunlight fall across my face, warming me. I groan and roll over. It is mid-morning already and I have yet to drag myself out of bed. There are many moving parts in my life right now and I am once again struggling with severe fatigue. I was up much of the night with a family emergency and now, on my only work free day, I must scrape together the energy to roll out of bed and write this entry. Today I will continue to discuss My Truths of Cancer.
Finding the time and energy to write twice a week has been much harder than I expected. Many weeks I find myself posting a day late. Days like today are the days I must remember My Truths from Part 1 such as Be Patient and Identify What Makes You Happy or Fulfilled and Work For It. Writing makes me feel fulfilled and so I will continue even on days like today when finding the strength to do so leaves me drained.
And so My 17 Truths of Cancer continues….
If You Don’t Want to Do Something Don’t Do It
In my world this truth does not apply to every situation. It applies to those many situations where you are called upon to do something that you don’t want to do and doing it or not doing it doesn’t really matter in the scheme of life. For most of my life, if I was called upon to attend a social event or work function, even if I knew attending was pointless or unfulfilling I would attend anyway out of a feeling a social obligation. Not anymore. If I’m not feeling it, I’m not doing it. Period.
If You Don’t Ask For Help No One Will Know You Need It
This is a big one I struggle with. I have a hard time asking for help even if I’m drowning. There are many reasons for this as I have written about in other articles. The fact of the matter is I have a wonderful group of friends who would jump at the opportunity to help or support me but even on my worst of days I don’t reach out.
It has made my cancer journey more difficult and more lonely than it would have been otherwise. If I just opened up about my struggles to the people who I know care deeply care about me and my difficult journey I would not so often find myself feeling so very alone. I suspect my support system has no clue how difficult this journey has been for me. I haven’t even told many of them about this blog. This is definitely something I need to work on.
Let Go
Many times in life I find myself holding tightly to something…even if that something doesn’t necessarily make me happy or improve my life. Maybe it is a job. Perhaps a way of living. But cancer has taught me that sometimes you have to just let go.
Letting go certainly isn’t easy but it is part of acceptance and progress. Sometimes to move forward you have to let go of the past and maybe just maybe the future will be better.
The Feeling You Are In Control Is An Illusion
Man is this the truth! Many of us go through life feeling like we are in control, masters of the universe even, but cancer is the great equalizer. Cancer and any major illness or health issue quickly teaches us that the feeling of control is simply an illusion we create for ourselves.
No amount of money, power, social clout, or social media following can save you from your genetics. After a diagnosis of cancer all those carefully laid life plans evaporate like water in the hot sun and you are left realizing that you are simply a passenger on this crazy train of life, certainly not the driver.
Don’t Wait To Make Progress
I learned this one the hard way. After my double mastectomy, I went through months of painful expansion and reconstruction procedures. Knowing I had a second reconstructive surgery in my future I hesitated to start physical rehabilitation because I didn’t want to make physical progress and then lose it all again after the second surgery.
My husband, having shattered his femur when he was younger in an accident, was familiar with the aftermath of severe injuries and pushed me to start physical therapy as early as possible. I dug in and refused sure that the work would only be lost.
In the end, my reconstructive surgery was far easier than my mastectomy and just days afterwards I was physically back to where I had been pre-operatively. I realized I wouldn’t have lost any progress to the second surgery and in waiting put myself behind where I could have been in recovery. Now I never wait to make progress.
Be One Of the Helpers – Always Help When You Are Able
When fighting cancer you are powerless. Your life and survival very literally depend on others. There are many times when you must rely on the whims of your care team and their support staff to move your treatment forward. Perhaps you are desperately trying to get onto a specialist’s full schedule or desperately trying to schedule your surgery.
During these most stressful times when your life literally hangs in the balance, you must depend on those in the healthcare system to help you. And many times I found those who could help me refused to do so. Once it was the woman who told me as I was fighting back tears that regardless of whether the hormones of my IUD were feeding the growth of my newly diagnosed cancer she would not speak to the nurse and see if I could get an emergency appointment with the doctor who could remove it.
Another time it was the surgery scheduler who told me they were leaving early and “maybe” they would try to schedule my mastectomy but “probably not”.
They were people who could help me with very minimal effort but still refused. The days I needed the help were the most difficult and desperate of my life. During some of the darkest days of my life doors were slammed in my face and people who could have helped me with very minimal effort turned away.
But then there were the helpers. There was the man who I spoke to across the hall from the woman who wouldn’t help me who learned my story and walked directly to the nurse and was able to get me an appointment for IUD removal that very afternoon. And there was the nursing manager who learned that I had been turned away by the surgical schedulers for an entire week and once involved had my mastectomy scheduled for the next day.
These helpers saved me. They were my lifelines. They gave me hope. They reminded me that there are people out there who will go to bat for strangers. I still think of them often. I still pray for them and thank God they crossed my path. I promised myself I too will always be a helper and will never turn away from someone in true and desperate need.
Tragedy And Trauma Does Not Excuse You For Being an A**hole
In medicine, doctors and nurses are often treated poorly by patients. We are yelled at, cursed, threatened with injury or lawsuits, sometimes even spit on or physically attacked. It is an unpleasant but standard part of the job. As a physician I always made allowances for this unpleasant behavior. I figured that these hateful or hurtful patients and their families were simply projecting their own pain and severe stress onto me.
I knew they were going through highly emotional times and so I accepted and forgave the many times I was disrespected or treated poorly. But then I got cancer and fought for my own life. Those were the darkest days of my life. That time was stressful and terrifying. I was anxious, fearful, and at times hopeless. Yet through it all, I remained kind and respectful to my team.
This was not at all difficult. Not once was I hurtful or disrespectful to the people who were giving their time and expertise to saving my life. And I realized that there is absolutely no excuse for treating your care team poorly. Absolutely none. Fighting for your life does not give you the right to be a terrible person. Fear and stress does not justify aggression and disrespect. Period.
Your Husband Loves You More Than You Realize
My husband is a stoic man. He is not comfortable with emotions and tends to withdraw from situations where emotions run high. Cancer was no exception. On days when I needed a hug and to be told everything was going to be alright, he was more likely to tell me to “get over it”. This often left me questioning whether he actually loved me.
But the night in the hospital after my mastectomy he sat in an uncomfortable chair by my bedside and held my hand all night long. He never let go, not once. Through it all he always shows up for the important stuff. And so on those days when he tells me to “sack up” and leaves me questioning, I remember the times where his loyalty and love shines brightly like the sun.
Hope Framed With Faith Is The Only Real Way To Find Peace
Throughout my cancer journey I have often struggled with hopelessness. I am a realist and as a critical care physician have seen the unpleasant end to many valiant cancer battles. These experiences stick with me and no amount of positive thinking can change the reality of my situation and long term survival chances.
This often leaves me struggling to feel hope. Often hope feels more like a lack of reality or denial. But not when I experience hope in the context of faith. In the context of faith anything is possible. When at my worst I hold on to faith like a life raft. It is the only way I come even close to feeling peace.
So there you have it. My Truths of Cancer. This is a living list and as I walk this difficult path of cancer recovery, I add more truths as I learn them. Maybe some of these truths will help someone on their own journey. I guess I will just have to have faith.
