Body Image After Cancer

I step out of the shower and stare in the mirror as I do every night.  My eyes are immediately drawn to my mastectomy scars curving under both breasts.  They have faded from their initial angry red, to pink, to a light flesh tone that matches the rest of me.  My breasts are beautiful, it actually looks like I chose them.  I know that I have had an exceptional cosmetic outcome…yet one year later I am still struggling with body image after cancer.

My eyes continue wandering from one scar to another.  First to my biopsy scar at the cleavage of my left breast, then to my drain scars on both sides, then to the scars from my liver surgery, three across my abdomen.  I then look at the scars on both hands and both knees, all injuries from post-cancer falls.  Just over two years ago none of these scars existed, my body was athletic, tone, and small breasted.  Now each scar tells a story of suffering and each time I see myself in the mirror I am reminded.

My Brain-Heart Disconnect

I have found there is quite a disconnect between my brain and my heart.  My brain tells me my body is still beautiful.  My 36 C size breasts are very literally perfect.  My new breasts look good in almost anything and compliment my small frame well.  They are lovely, firm, perky, and symmetrical…breasts fit for Jennifer Aniston.    My surgeon did a fantastically skilled job at rebuilding me and for this I am grateful.

My heart, though…my heart sees my breasts and cries.  They remind me of the life I lost.  They don’t seem like me.  I have no sensation in my breasts or nipples.  Every single time I look in the mirror and see my scars and perfect breasts I am reminded of weeks of fear, months of pain, and the fight for my life that I only recently won. 

This is not something many people can understand.  They tell me, “You must be so happy!”  I don’t have the heart to tell them I’m not.

Body Image Before Breast Cancer

In my pre-cancer days, my breasts were never something I paid much attention to.  My natural A cups were never something I relied on for sexual attractiveness.  My eyes, legs, and butt were always the features that I (and men) considered most attractive.  My natural breasts were uneven and small but they were also soft, warm, and mine.  I could feel them.  I could feel when they brushed against something or were touched.  During the mastectomy all the sensory nerves to my nipples and breasts were cut, I will never feel my now perfect breasts again.

Before my cancer I felt very in tune with my body.  I was comfortable with myself and confident in my appearance.  I never shied away from bathing suits or sexy clothing.  Now, I dread the thought of getting into a bathing suit and avoid it at all cost.  I am shy and no longer feel comfortable drawing attention to my appearance.  And sadly, I no longer feel attractive.  These feelings are all so contrary to the way I have felt most of my life, at times it is quite distressing.

In my mind I know that this loss of attractiveness is not the case.  My brain tells me that, if anything, I look better in a bathing suit and revealing clothing now than I did before.  Still, my heart is self conscious of my scars even if my brain knows people probably aren’t looking at them.

Body Image After Cancer

Try as I might I simply don’t feel comfortable within my own skin.  My confidence has evaporated.  I no longer feel connected or in sync with my body.  After the mastectomy I made a promise to myself I would be better about loving and accepting my body as it is.  It is a promise I am still trying to fulfil.

I have not yet figured out how to buy clothes for my new body.  I have been avoiding going shopping because I no longer know what styles are most complimentary or what size I am.  Knowing these things was always second nature.  Before my cancer I knew exactly what clothing styles were complimentary to my figure.  Now I have no clue.  I understand that this is “first world problems”, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have to get to know a body that feels like a stranger.     

Though I am still dealing with these body image issues, I am hopeful that in time I will learn to love the new me.  Someday I hope my breasts will grow to feel like they are a part of me.  Someday I hope I can look in the mirror and not even notice my scars.  I think this is all possible and well within my reach but it is going to take time to heal and gain the acceptance I am looking for. 

But in the meantime, I will continue to work on loving myself as-is and hope that my struggles can remind others who are going through the same that they are not alone.  They say time heals all, I sure hope this is true.