It’s Christmas Eve. I am curled comfortably under a warm blanket. The Christmas tree lights are twinkling. My dog leans pleasantly against me, a living heater. It is a pleasant morning … yet I am alone. I am not alone by choice this holiday but by circumstance. Two weeks ago my husband declared that he would be visiting his family for Christmas with or without me. I, being immune compromised after cancer, and not wanting to risk getting sick from multiple large family gatherings, was unable to join. Ironically just days later after our first vacation in three years, I ended up sick anyway which is why I will be spending this Christmas on my own. But it won’t be a sad Christmas. This year will be a self care Christmas.
Sick, Immunocompromised, and Alone
This morning I am at peace with being alone for Christmas but this was not always the case. On the last day of our weekend vacation in the Florida Keys, with dread I noticed my husband’s nose began running and his sinuses clogged.
We were careful. I brought anti-viral wipes and wiped down all the touch surfaces of the hotel room. We only ate at outdoor restaurants. We stayed away from crowds. Even so, two days after my husband developed his symptoms with a sinking feeling I realized I too was struck with his cold.
It was not COVID, just a simple upper respiratory cold. My husband with his normal healthy immune system was back to his normal self in 5 days. My weakened immune system on the other hand has struggled to fight it off. Ten days later I am still sick and likely contagious. Not wanting to give this unpleasant gift to my family, with a heavy heart I told my mother several days ago she should cancel her visit for her own safety.
The Cancer Fear and Sadness Spiral
And then I got sad…really, really sad. Almost no one wants to spend the holidays alone. We are inundated with media images of happy families and group gatherings. Movies and television tell us that people who spend the holidays alone are “grinches” or “scrooges”. Commercials and advertising showing parties, group meals, and togetherness convince us this is the only acceptable way to spend the holidays. It can leave those who don’t have the option feeling bitterly lonely.
And that’s how I felt. Lonely, sad, and sick. I was discouraged that my first careful vacation in three years had cost me so dearly. I felt hopeless that maybe this life of isolation really is permanent. (My immunologist has told me my immune suppression is in fact permanent and I am still struggling with that reality.) I will admit, I even felt sorry for myself. I cried more than once. And then that old cancer fear came over me. “What if this is my last Christmas?” I thought. “How sad to spend my last Christmas alone.” It was the old post-cancer fear spiral. I mourned one more thing cancer had taken from me.
Taking Christmas Back
And then I made a choice. I decided to wrangle back Christmas from my illness, my cancer, and my loneliness. I decided that alone or not, sick or not, I was going to enjoy the holiday.
As soon as I dropped my husband at the airport, I put my plan in motion. I changed into comfy clothes and sat for a moment thinking about all the ways I could pamper myself over Christmas weekend. I decided that for the entire holiday weekend I would do only things that I found enjoyable or relaxing…this Christmas it would be all about me.
A Self Care Christmas
And that’s what I have done. Each day I put on makeup because it makes me feel good to feel pretty. I wear soft and comfy clothes. I make sure to set the mood by playing scenes of a cozy fireplace, beaches, or beautiful nature scenes on the television. I fill the house with wonderful smells from scented candles and baking treats.
Each day I have made it a point to cook a delicious meal, the same as if I were sharing it with my family (though smaller portions of course). I have also baked myself a treat each day…cranberry muffins, cheesecake, and cookies. It has been years since I have splurged in this way.
In the afternoons I curl up with my favorite books and sip hot cocoa or herbal teas. I spend time in our massage chair which works out any tight muscles.
In the evening I take long baths by candle light and use one of my favorite cleansing scrubs that leaves my skin soft with just a light scent of citrus. I text old friends from out of town and re-strengthen those connections.
And finally at night I curl up cozily under warm fuzzy blankets and watch Christmas movies…and even a horror movie or two, just because I can.
I must admit, I have managed to turn what would have been a sad and lonely Christmas into a holiday filled with comfort, pleasure, and pampering. And now it’s time for me to get back to my self care Christmas. I’m in the mood for a massage and a slice of cheesecake. I am feeling more relaxed than I have felt in a very long time. With a little creativity this is turning out to be a Christmas to remember after all.
How can I find out more about it?
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