It is a cool winter morning. The sky is bright blue and the sun is shining as I do some light house cleaning. The porch door is open and I hear birds chirping outside. I feel at peace. As I straighten some items on the coffee table, my hand accidentally knocks over a small glass of water. Suddenly a wave of rage sweeps over me, hot and fiery. I am caught only partially off guard. This has been happening intermittently for several weeks. I am finally processing anger after cancer.
Anger Isn’t My Thing
I didn’t get angry when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn’t point my finger at God or my birth control hormones or my genetics. Sure, it felt brutally unfair that I was in a fight for my life at the age of 38 despite doing all the “right things” along the way. Sure, it hurt to see other people my age going about their lives obliviously, still feeling and acting invincible. But I pushed these feelings aside, did my best to take the diagnosis in stride, and for survival’s sake whatever anger I was feeling, I packed down or pushed away.
On my one year cancer diagnosis anniversary I silently congratulated myself on not only surviving but also living without anger. Around that time, which was only 3 ½ months ago, I felt I had reached a fair measure of acceptance. I was no longer thinking about the cancer every second of every day.
I felt like I had moved through much of my grief and managed to find some measure of peace. But even then, I had to admit to myself that I had skipped the “anger” stage of grieving. At times it occurred to me that not feeling angry wasn’t necessarily a good thing, but the only explanation I could come up with was anger just “isn’t my thing.” Until it was.
The Anger Explosion
Not long after, one day I woke up angry. Not a little angry, a lot angry. All the sudden little annoyances unexpectedly sent me into a rage. My feelings of peace and acceptance evaporated and I found myself back in the middle of my grief. My frustration tolerance dropped to zero. I was snappy and temperamental. More than once when I was cooking dinner and some small thing didn’t go my way, I had to fight the urge to smash the plates and glasses on the floor.
Sometimes I found myself feeling furious at my husband for no reason at all. I was irritable with my sweet and tolerant dog. Sometimes I found myself fighting the urge to scream in frustration. Once when I was stuck in traffic, I became so enraged I actually considered slamming on the gas and rear ending the car in front of me.
This new wave of angry emotion was uncomfortable, scary even. Though I was always able to control my temper and angry urges, I didn’t like feeling angry. I didn’t want to want to break things. I suppose that’s why when I should have been acknowledging and experiencing my cancer anger, I was pushing it aside or denying it.
Processing Anger After Cancer
As the days passed, the irritability and anger continued. Try as I might to suppress these feelings, they burst out unexpectedly and sometimes unfairly. Finally, after fighting back yet another urge to throw my computer against the wall, I took a hard look at myself and said out loud, “I am not angry at my computer, I am angry about the cancer”.
Saying the words were difficult. The admission rattled me. I finally had to take an honest look at myself and acknowledge that my unprocessed anger was seeping into my daily life in unpredictable and unpleasant ways. I no longer had the luxury of ignoring it. So I said it again out loud, “I am angry, it is unpleasant to feel angry…but feeling angry is a normal and necessary part of grieving.” For the first time since my breast cancer diagnosis, I gave myself permission to feel the anger. The simple act of acknowledgement immediately made my feelings easier to manage.
Finding Healthy Outlets
Once I acknowledged my feelings, I was better able to integrate them into my normal daily experience. I found the anger swelled more predictably instead of bursting out at unexpected times. When the urge to break something took over, I closed my eyes and visualized myself smashing old computers with a sledge hammer. Surprisingly, this visualization provided a very real release.
Now when I feel the wave coming on, I admit my feelings and then take a brisk walk in the sunshine, go for a jog, or do some yoga stretches. As much as I dislike my anger, I honor it and write my uncomfortably honest feelings in my journal. This has brought me great comfort. I find deep breathing helps as well. Sometimes a couple deep inhales and forceful exhales is all it takes for the wave to pass.
Moving Forward
I still have a long way to go, but as I acknowledge and process my anger, I ever so slowly start to feel better. Cancer sucks. My immune system sucks. Losing my income and stability sucks. Bad things happening to good people sucks. None of it is fair. And yes, sometimes that makes me really, really angry. Anger is just one more part of the post-cancer journey…and that’s ok.
Cheers!