It is several minutes after sunrise. My sneakers thump on the boardwalk. I hear the waves before I see them. As we hit the sand my dog glances up at me waiting. I take a few moments to stretch. Then, as the rising sun outlines the clouds in gold, I run. It has been a year since I began walking to recover from breast cancer It has also been a year since I began writing this blog. It took me a whole year of exercise during cancer recovery to reach my pre-cancer fitness levels. Today I am no longer walking. Today I run.
A Major Setback
It has taken a year of constant exercise to reach where I am this morning. As I run, I am surprised how quickly I hit the mile mark. With the scenery passing by, I think back upon the many hours, days, weeks, and months I spent regaining my physical strength during cancer recovery. My physical recovery has not been without setbacks.
First, I walked. Every. Single. Day. No matter what. Every day I pushed through fatigue and pain. Then, 11 months ago, 4 months after I completed treatment, and in hindsight before I was ready, I tried to run. I didn’t go far, just a block or two, then three or four, but my strength and balance were still affected by my cancer battle. Early one summer morning, I fell. I fell hard on pavement. I broke my left hand and ended up with severe and oozing road rash on my elbow and shoulder.
The bone break was devastating. My hand was immobilized for four weeks and I had to wear a protective brace for another two. My hand was swollen, painful, and blue for over a month. My confidence in my recovering body was shattered. It made working in the intensive care unit that much more difficult.
The fall also opened the door to fear and hopelessness. Many days I cried wondering if I would ever catch a break. I wondered if I would ever have a “normal” life again. I stopped walking because my hand became swollen and painful with any type of exertion. With my hand immobilized, I was also unable to do yoga. Within days of the fall my carefully curated daily exercise routine became a thing of the past.
Starting Again
Six weeks later I got the all clear to start physical and occupational therapy. On day one of therapy the strength of my hand, wasted away and post-bruise yellow, tested at 30%. I entered an intensive month of therapy determined to regain full range of motion and normal function. I struggled to fit the sessions into my intensive physician’s work schedule.
With time, the swelling and pain decreased and I was cleared to “do it on my own”. They discharged me from therapy when my strength was testing at 75%. They told me I would need to take myself the rest of the way on my own.
In the early autumn, two and a half months after my fall and around the one year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis, I was back to square one. I was scared of falling again and deconditioned from two and a half months without exercise. One autumn morning I started again.
Exercise During Cancer Recovery
Getting into an exercise routine was not as easy the second time around. I was recovered enough to be working a full hospital ICU schedule which left me both tired and fatigued. Most of my left over energy was spent trying to stay hydrated and maintain a healthy diet. Still, on my days off every morning I put on my sneakers and started walking.
It took several months to build the courage to start running again. Each time I walked past the location of my fall I was struck with a pang of fear. Still, by the beginning of the year, six months after the fall, I realized it was time to face my fear and start running again.
I started by carefully running one block. I was fully focused. I kept my eyes on the pavement, focused on my posture, made sure not to drag my feet, and did not allow myself to be distracted by music or scenery. When I was comfortable running one block, I went to two, then three. Every time I adjusted to the new distance I added a block. By the spring I was jogging more than a mile.
Once I reached about a mile and a half I was satisfied with the distance. I felt a mile and a half was not too rough on my knees and still provided more than enough cardiovascular exercise to maintain my health and fitness. Next I started running more frequently. Increased speed came with time and repetition.
Back To My Pre-Cancer Fitness Levels
Now, eleven months since my fall, a year and three months since I finished cancer treatment, and a year and eight months since my initial breast cancer diagnosis, I am fairly close to my pre-cancer level of physical fitness. I run one to two miles two to three times a week. Heavy fatigue has given way to feeling tired. In many ways things are back to the way the were BC…before cancer/before COVID.
Changes After Cancer
Still, many things have changed. I am much more mindful of my limits and when my body tells me something, I listen. If I start feeling tired during my run, I stop early. If I start dragging my feet, I stop early. I rarely run more than two miles at a time, not because I can’t but because I don’t want to. There are no marathons in my future. At this point in life, I have nothing to prove.
If I feel like it, maybe someday I will do a 5k, but also maybe I’ll just sleep in or go to the beach instead. I’m much kinder to my body nowadays and have no plans to test my physical boundaries. I have no desire to show off or push my limits, I am healthy for me, because I want to be.
I am also extremely mindful of my nutrition and hydration. I would never dream putting my post-cancer body at risk of breakdown from poor nutrition or dehydration. My physical recovery would not have been possible without these basic building block requirements.
Most of all, now I do what makes me happy. Running makes me happy. Not the act of running itself, but the health it brings and the feelings of accomplishment knowing how far I have come. I fought a war against myself to be able to exercise and run that two miles. I am grateful for every single stride. I have been waiting a year to write this blog article. “Today I run!” is not just a phrase or a blog title, to me, it’s a triumph.
