This is the story of my long road to recovery after breast cancer.
A Doctor In The Middle of a Pandemic
My story began in the spring of 2020. The COVID-19 virus tore across the globe. Without warning I found myself on the front lines of the worst pandemic in a century. As a pulmonary critical care doctor I fought to save lives under horrific hospital conditions. I put my heart and soul into the care of my patients. In the end I felt powerless and lost many battles to the virus.
I put my own life in danger to provide care. I witnessed many tragedies and many brutal deaths in both medical COVID ICUs and surgical COVID ECMO units.
A Lifechanging Diagnosis
As the deadly delta wave raged, and just weeks after my 39th birthday, I was diagnosed with aggressive, high grade, breast cancer and became a patient myself.
In the following weeks and months I underwent a double mastectomy, expander placement, four expansion procedures, and reconstructive surgery.
The life changing diagnosis of breast cancer on top of months of intense stress from working in the COVID intensive care units brought me to my knees.
I fought for my life on two fronts, one as a cancer patient, and one as an immunocompromised critical care doctor. Every day I exposed myself to a deadly virus. I fought for the lives of others as I fought for my own.
I lost much of what I valued most – my health, my strength, my stamina, my stability, my feelings of safety, my body image, my reliable income, my ability to be physically close to others, and my ability to do the activities that bring me joy. My life was brought down to its very foundation. I dedicated my own life to saving lives and caring for others in the most critical moments of theirs. When I was diagnosed and no longer the bulletproof superhuman that a critical care doctor is expected to be, the support of my colleagues and profession was nowhere to be found.
I found myself deeply morally injured, questioning my life’s purpose, feeling lost, and searching for meaning.
Moving Forward
Now post reconstruction and considered cancer free, I am faced with the prospect of picking up the pieces of my shattered life and rebuilding something new from the ground up.
I have been given an amazing second chance and I don’t intend to waste it. Join me on my journey of rebuilding and self discovery as I find my way back through the light and dark of post cancer and post trauma recovery. No pretty filters, just an honest perspective on my search for meaning.
Post cancer life is confusing, frustrating, messy, and frightening. Still, survival is a gift and I am deeply grateful to be alive and have the chance to start again.
I hope sharing my story of recovery after breast cancer will help others who are finding their way through their own recovery from illness or trauma. I also hope to help my fellow physicians understand that healing means more than fixing an injured body.
We are survivors, the world deserves to hear our stories. This is mine.